Category: MMTL

The KJ at the Karaoke place said that I rocked this song last night. That’s what happens when you sing like you mean it, because you do mean it.

This is the entry where I recognize that I’m not doing well at dating, not just only I am an awkward nerd, but because I haven’t fully gotten over my ex-wife. Cue karaoke. No, no… play that sfx instead where the needle is pulled from the turntable and abruptly stops the music.

One would think I would be stuck in the moment where I found out that she was gay. I processed that moment. Cue sad acoustic cover, low volume. Let that play in the background, while I explain something about the heartbreaking dynamics of a collapsing marriage in America:

The moment that I’m stuck in and can’t get out of is a stupid fight that we had. We had it, and then we had it again. We had it over and over, throughout out marriage. Getting divorced didn’t settle the fight. What was it all about? It doesn’t really matter.

If you are an American kid born in the 70s or 80s, whose parents got divorced (or even if they didn’t but should have), then you know the fight that I am talking about. The specifics of the fight may vary from couple to couple, but the attributes are easy to recognize. First of all, the substance of the fight, is not about something which is high stakes like kids, sex, or money. What makes this fight totally poison, is exactly because its about something stupid. And while it is stupid, it is also the kind of thing that never gets resolved and can’t be resolved. This stupid and unresolvable difference becomes the elephant in the room that no one mentions.

A good portrayal of this sort of fight is in the movie “War of the Roses”. In the early scenes of that movie, there is an auction. Due to a conflagration of circumstances, Michael Douglas losses the auction to Kathleen Turner, and that is how they first meet. The auction item is for a totem. Michael Douglas wants it, should be able be to get, but somehow he can’t because Kathleen Turner clings to it. That totem becomes totemic for their marriage, get it?

I just don’t want another relationship like that, and more or less, that means I don’t really want another relationship. It’s no wonder that in my dreams, I’m breaking up with the girl of my dreams (see first post). Whenever I meet a new girl, I soon find that I’m thinking about exits. Pretty soon, it becomes all I think about: Not how to sleep with her, not how to get that first kiss, not how to get her number, not how to find out more about her, and certainly not romantic things.

No… when I meet a girl, I am already thinking about our breakup.

Based on that: Would you date me? Hell, no. I wouldn’t date me. Emotionally, I’m a pile of radioactive debris. Actually, its worse than that. Radioactive things decay, even if there is a long half-life.

Rather than do litigation, I pressed for a procedure called a “Collaborative divorce.” I won’t belabor the point about what that is all about. However, one thing about a collaborative divorce is that it preserves amicability much better than an adversarial one. Amicability means a degree of stability, which is a welcome respite from the emotional upheaval and financial turmoil of the procedure. But, perversely, the lack of upheaval can make moving on much harder.

It’s just a moment
This time will pass