Month: May 2010

The death of Gary Coleman is Absolutely Bill’s Mood

My birthday comes right after memorial day. It’s strange that his death comes right before it. But death always comes at a strange time. Gary Coleman’s life was too short, but his childhood was just the reverse.
Ok, now some lyrics. When I think about this song, the “monkey” in these lyrics refers to me. If I get around to it, I’ll publish a story that I wrote an outline for about a person who, on his death bed, makes a deal with the devil that allows him to travel back in time, in order to try and change his fate. He fails to change anything, and finds himself back in the present. The last words he utters are a joke set-up. He asks his tearful nephew, “Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?” (Its because he’s dead).

I swear the story is funny. If I wrote it the whole thing, I bet they’d give me a medal for awesomest story ever about time travel featuring a joke about a dead monkey. Oh yeah? There is so such a medal, and I want it! Ok, now… Lyrics:

I was born in a lighthouse, my mother was the sea
I crawled to school each morning, when it occured to me
That life’s just a mood ring we’re not allowed to see
And this is what it said to me

My room is comfortably small
With rubber lining the walls
And there’s someone always calling my name
He calls when I’m alone
And he calls when I’m not home
And he calls when I’m stuck out in the rain
I’m insane
I’m insane
I’m insane
I’m insane

Now listen all you swingers, don’t you try to tag along
I know monkey see, but monkey’s dead, for you it would be wrong
Put a dime in my jukebox, you’ll only hear this song
And it won’t be fun for long

(chorus X2)

Thank you

— TMBG “Absolutely Bill’s Mood”

Too late or still too soon to make lots of bad love and there’s no time for sorrow…

…run around, run around with a hole in your head ’till tomorrow.

I ran into a slacker at a different karaoke place the other day. Like me, he was flying solo.  For purposes of this blog post, I will call him “Slacker.” We compared notes.

When you run stag, you need a defensive mechanism to compensate for a lack of a wingman. Ideally, you pick a gimmicky defensive mechanism that also has the potential to attract wingmen (feasible), or possibly women (less so).

Slacker’s gimmick was that he solved the crossword puzzle from the local paper.

I had developed a gimmick over the winter.  I had been carrying around a notebook into which I would jot down ideas, as if I was going to do something with those ideas. As lame as that sounds, the notebook gimmick was possible because I had a woolen winter coat that was the perfect size for the notebook.

Now that summer is here, the intensely sad nature of being a guy walking around writing crazy things into a notebook was painfully clear. So I just stopped bringing it. But it meant that I would walk into a place, just me and no defensive mechanisms at all. When you have no defensive mechanisms and are all by yourself, you end up just eyeballing people in the crowd.

The term for guys who do this is “creeper.” Its a fair criticism. When you are on your own, stop being on your own. The key is to step up as soon as possible. Make a human connection or bail. This sometimes means jumping on the wing of another dude flying stag.

Hey, man. S’up? That word there? 36 down… “arsenal.” A-R-S-E-N-A-L

For real, bro? Whoah… yeah it is! That’s awe-some, bro. Awesome.

And just like that, my new name is “bro” and he and I are hangin’ out.

Anyhow, Slacker and I, compared notes about on-line dating. While we did that, I was his wingman. He tried to pick up the waitress for whom he had feelings. After a drink or two, it became clear that they had a history and that it wasn’t a good one. I kept my thoughts about this to myself, but started to think about leaving.

At least, we compared notes.

So what did I learn from these notes? Turns out, neither of us like online dating. This wasn’t exactly a profound revelation.

See the spring of my grandfather clock unwinding

This afternoon, I took my son for a well check exam. Originally, I had scheduled it to happen over the summer so that he could have up-to-date records for kindergarten, but then my ex started to freak out because he was going to lose his spot in the before & after school programs if I didn’t submit all his forms immediately. It turns out that she was exactly right. So I had to give the school medical exam forms from last year, and hurry up to schedule this doctor visit.

I’m not sure how I feel about a system that would rather tick of the box than wait for better information. And when I say “not sure” I mean… on the one hand it seems bad, but on the other hand, even imprecise information is better than none and why let the perfect be the enemy of the good? But, I digress.

Some other things happened today:

  • I had a great conversation with my daughter, as we were going to school. Then, she expressed some really interesting ideas when I got her after school.
  • I got a text from my ex-wife asking for my help to get her car fixed. I told her what to do to fix the car that I thought she had. It turns out that she has a different kind of car, so probably haven’t helped her at all.
  • I saved a deal at work. Somebody else almost ruined the whole thing by trying to be the lawyer. It almost made me late for my doctor’s appointment. “Seriously, I have to leave, get my son, and take him to the Doctor. Sorry, sir, but this really can wait until tomorrow.” It couldn’t, apparently. But I made it all work.
  • I put together a gym bag for tomorrow, but I know that won’t end up going.
  • I called my Ex to keep her up to date and to let her know how the Doctor’s appointment went. At first, she seemed annoyed that I was bothering her. But then, I told a few funny stories and she seemed happier. But then, the mood became strange. So I hung up.
  • I ate three really unhealthy meals.
  • Chemistry.com matched me up with a person from League City (far away) and another person from Seabrook (even further away).
    “No thanks you are too far away.”
  • I let the kids be happy, but I was afraid to join them even though they wanted me to join their play. Instead, I withdrew; merely observing them out of the corner of my eye. But then, while they were playing, I lavished affection on my one cat who is always a rascal while ignoring my other cat who is always sweet.
  • I thought everything was fine but then my sleepy headed son came out of his room with tears welling up because he couldn’t find his build-a-bear puppy. Looking at his bed, I saw three dozen stuffed animals. I realized that he had previously hidden his favorite one so that I’d pay more attention to him by having to look for it, but then he forgot where he actually hid his puppy and got sad. I found his hidden stuffed animal. After I did, he did a dance of joy on the bed, which got him all riled up. So then we had to kiss each of his animals, and then sing them a story song. This is how the song went:

Mary had a little lamb,
(little lamb, little lamb)
Mary had a little lamb,
whose fleece was white as snow.

Every where that Mary went
(Mary went, Mary went)
Every where that Mary went
the lamb was sure to go

It followed her to school one day
(school one day,school one day)
It followed her to school one day
because it loved her so

All the children laughed and pointedatthelamb (pointedatthelamb, pointedatthelamb)
All the children laughed and pointedatthelamb
because a lamb is like “what the…”

The teacher made one of these faces
(one of these faces, one of these faces)
The teacher made one of these faces
and then said “No lambs allowed”

Mary sat down and cried
(down and cried, down and cried)
Mary sat down and cried
because she didn’t want the lamb to wander off

The teacher had a change of heart
(change of heart, change of heart)
The teacher had a change of heart
and said the lamb could eat outside

Outside is a tuft of grass
(tuft of grass, tuft of grass)
Outside is a tuft of grass
on which the lamb can graze

Just then the lamb offered his opinion
(offered his opinion, offered his opinion)
Just then the lamb offered his opinion
that he would rather learn math

But the teacher didn’t speak lamb
(didn’t speak lamb, didn’t speak lamb)
But the teacher didn’t speak lamb
so this is what she heard

“ba ba ba ba ba ba ba
(ba ba ba, ba ba ba)
“ba ba ba ba ba ba ba
ba ba ba ba ba ba”

My son laughed at the “ba ba” and then told me that he missed Mommy,and that he didn’t like it when she picked him up to sleep at her place. Then with the same wistful tone, he said he wished he could have chair in his room so he could eat snacks at his desk. Then he rolled over and went to sleep.

In case I haven’t hit you over the head with my point, today was like my whole life in microcosm.

I had some more stuff here on an earlier revision but like Michael Jackson turning into a panther and dance-stroying a car, it is gone.